I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.