I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.