Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.