Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.