Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.