Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.