Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.