Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.