New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.