New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.