New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.