Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.