Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.