Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.