The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?