The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.