The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!