I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.