I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.