I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.