Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.