Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.