Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.