Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.