Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.