Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.