Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!