Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.