Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.