Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.