To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.