Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.