Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.