Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.