Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.