Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.