Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!