The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!