The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.