The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.