The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.