In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?