In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.