In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.