I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.