I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.