People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.