People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.