People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.