People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.