My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.