People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.