If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.