If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.