If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.