We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.