We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.