We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.