As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.