As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.