As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.