As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.