As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.