As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?