We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.