One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.