One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.