The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.