I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!