If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.