If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.