Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.