Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.