Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.