If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.