If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.