Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.