Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.