As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.