As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.