As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.