I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.