I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.