I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!