I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!