I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.