Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.