Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.