Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.