Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.