Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.