Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.