Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Competition is the death of art.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.