Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.