I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.