When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
Dana GouldWomen are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
Dana GouldThe simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
Dana GouldI feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
Dana GouldWhen you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.
Dana Gould