Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.