A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!