A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.