A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.