Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.