Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?