How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.