How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.