How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?