We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.