We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?