We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.