We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.