How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.