How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.