Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?