Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.