Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.