Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.