Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.