I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.