I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.