I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

The average permanent lasts about four months.