A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.