Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.