Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.