Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.