Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.