Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.