Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.