Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.