Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.