Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.