Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.