Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.