When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.